Fearness and Marriage

Hi, how are you doing there? 

Time past quite fast right? Just a blink, everything reset back to zero.

I have never feel this complicated before. 

The complication is like a drug.

Because it relies on the beautiful memory, and some bitterness of the separation.

It takes me longer time to digest down the beautiful taste mixed with the bitterness. 

Hey, guess what, that day I attended my cousin's wedding, everything goes smooth and fine. 

Surprisingly, the sweetest melody playing in the hall, everyone's eyeing on the nerdy groom. 

Violin sounds specifically soft and romantic at that moment. 

Just like the whole world have stop and staring at them for quite awhile.  

Cousin's tears drop for just a reason, that called "love".

The thing I will never have in my life. 

At least for that moment, I able to claim very clearly, I might not have it, perhaps not deserves it.

Back to the beautiful romantic's scene, melody stops, the groom running to my cousin. 

Words, we know each other 11 years ago, and we coupling for 9 years, that's the most beautiful moment in my life.

Without you, I wouldn't have my life complete. Love, is you know I'm imperfect, but you still by my sides and giving me courage to improve my every step. 

I were fighting so hard to improve both of us, from we have nothing, to now, we got each other. 

I would like to prove to you that I will make it true, I will make our life beautiful, please let me hold you tide and fly up high. I love you. 

This remind me of something that I never have. 

 This remind me to think about what I really want my future to be. 

God, if you hear this, please send me some responses. 

Dear god, 

Since I was young, I were praying to be good girl in my parents heart. 

Slowly grow up, I were wish to be a kind girl in everybody's eyes. 

I know it is nearly impossible to being kind to everybody, but at least I shouldn't hurt anyone. 

Until I 1st met what the people called LOVE. 

It suppose to be beautiful.

But it will just happen when the 2 persons that in love having the common thinking and similar mindset. 

Because of LOVE, we changed for each other. 

He taught me to be not too optimistic, because bad things happen you may not able to handle it;

He taught me there are nothing  best in the world, there are merely something might good for some people some situation. 

To be smart, to be careful, to be good. 

But when LOVE slowly comes to a few years later, changes will happen. 

To be good, might not be sufficient anymore. 

We need to be better, at least for both. 

Until the day, both us agreed to live together forever.

My brain got stucked here. 

My tears dropped. 

It's because I don't deserves he do anything better to me, so he never think that it will be very important to us. 

The question he asked me back was that, why not you give me what you have, and we improve. 

Confusing and interesting.

I don't understand, since when we have different thinking, different mindset. 

God, please tell me since when. 

I just can't stop the tears. 

Kindly guide me that what should I do to really get myself back. 

I dont want to lose myself in a relationship. 

That's not the real me. 

I need courages!

But, I dont have. 

Hope that you're here god, at least you will guide me to a better solution.